All Embracing Jokes!
Post #11
towhid058|| 
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21/10/2017 18:34:10
(170 weeks ago)
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The Rich Rat!!!

A rat swallowed a diamond and the owner of the diamond contracted a man to kill the rat.

When the rat hunter arrived to kill the rat there were more than a thousand rats bunched up all together and one sitting by itself away from the pack.

He spotted and killed the one sitting by itself and to the owners surprise, that was the exact one that had swallowed the diamond !!!

The amazed diamond owner asked, "How did you know it was that rat?"

He responded: "Very easy....... When idiots get rich, they don't mix with others!!!"

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Last edited by towhid058 at 21/10/2017 18:40:55

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Post #12
towhid058|| 
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21/10/2017 18:42:14
(170 weeks ago)
Ratio: 5.33
Posts: 894
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Employee Benefits & Perks

A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay.

She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five years salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums."

"I can't help but asking madam why you would leave a job with such benefits," the interviewer replied.

The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt."

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Post #13
towhid058|| 
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21/10/2017 18:43:13
(170 weeks ago)
Ratio: 5.33
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The Kiss of Life


A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"

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Post #14
towhid058|| 
Members

21/10/2017 18:44:52
(170 weeks ago)
Ratio: 5.33
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A Life To Be Envied

Two older, successful businessmen met at a resort. One who had recently retired was describing his life, "I get up late in the morning, have a light breakfast and then I lie down on my veranda for a few hours and relax.

"In the afternoon I go inside for lunch, have a great salad, fruits and cold fish, then I spend the rest of the afternoon boating or playing golf or tennis...

"When it starts to get dark I have a great dinner with the finest wines. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my veranda again."

The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be envied. Later he reported the conversation to his wife.

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Post #15
towhid058|| 
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21/10/2017 18:45:56
(170 weeks ago)
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Posts: 894
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Never Lie About Your Age


A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims to the whole table, "What rotten luck I've had today! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know, why don't you play your age?"

He walks away, but moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned.

He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 36, and when 47 came up she just fainted!"

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Post #16
towhid058|| 
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21/10/2017 18:48:09
(170 weeks ago)
Ratio: 5.33
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Sentence Making


The teacher once asked the class to make a sentence with the phrase pistol too.

Timmy raised his hand, and after being recognized said, "The lone Ranger tamed the wild west with his faithful Indian companion and his pistol too."

Very good says the teacher.

Little Johnny raised his hand, and after being called on said, "Down at our house we make home-brew, drink till twelve, and piss till two."

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Post #17
towhid058|| 
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24/10/2017 04:33:06
(169 weeks ago)
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Don't Mess With a Gujju


A Gujju bought a well from a Jew.

The next day while on his way to market he met the Jew who told him, "Brother I have sold the well to you but I have not sold the water,if you use the water you will have to pay for it."

The Gujju replied, "In fact I was planning to come to your place and ask you to empty the water and if you don't do it than you will have to pay the rent for the water." grin.gif
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Post #18
towhid058|| 
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24/10/2017 04:37:45
(169 weeks ago)
Ratio: 5.33
Posts: 894
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The Toughest Test


"I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends.

"First I got Angina Pectoris, then Arteriosclerosis.

"Just as I was recovering, I got Psoriasis.

"They gave me Hypodermics, and to top it all, Tonsillitis was followed by Appendectomy."

"Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends.

"I don't know," the boy replied.

"Toughest spelling test I ever had."
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Post #19
towhid058|| 
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24/10/2017 04:38:23
(169 weeks ago)
Ratio: 5.33
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Lady Cops

Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint.

Blonde Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them, "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."
The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence....!" "Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."
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Post #20
towhid058|| 
Members

24/10/2017 04:38:51
(169 weeks ago)
Ratio: 5.33
Posts: 894
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Business Strategy

When the expensive printer/photocopier in an office began print black lines on every page, the office manager called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the unit probably needed only to be cleaned.

Because the store charged $100 for such cleanings, he said, the manager might try reading the manual and doing the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
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