All Embracing Jokes!
Post #21
towhid058|| 
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24/10/2017 04:39:25
(168 weeks ago)
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Look At My Abs!


After Doing 50 Pushups Goldie was checking himself out in front of the Mirror.

He proudly asked his Wife, "Dekhe Mere Abs???"

She replied, "Haahn, Dekh Rahi Hun. "Jis Din Se Maine Tumse Shaadi Ki Hai Tab Se Tumhare Mein Mujhe Aib hi Aib Dikhte Hain.... Aib Ke Siva Tumhare Mein Hai hi Kya...
"Par Ganimat Hai Pehle Sirf Mujhe Dikhte The............ Ab Tumhe Bhi Dikh Rahe Hain."
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Post #22
towhid058|| 
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24/10/2017 04:40:35
(168 weeks ago)
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A Cheap Gift

Fred was well known for his cheapness and his "eye for a bargain." One day he was looking for a cheap wedding present for his niece, so he went into a thrift shop.

As he was walking around, he noticed what was previously an expensive glass crystal vase lying in the corner. It was in three pieces. After some haggling with the owner, Fred bought the broken vase for $5.

He then filled in the congratulations card, wrote out his niece's name and address and gave the owner another $5 so that the broken vase could be gift wrapped and mailed. Fred then left the shop feeling quite pleased with himself. He expected his niece to think the vase had been broken in the mail.

A few days later, he called his niece to see if the present had arrived. "Yes, Uncle Fred, but unfortunately it was in 3 pieces when it was delivered."

"What terrible luck!" said Fred. "The Post Office is getting worse all the time!"

"It is a shame," she replied, "and it was so beautifully wrapped too ... each piece separately."
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Post #23
towhid058|| 
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24/10/2017 04:41:15
(168 weeks ago)
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It's Lunchtime

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the course language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwiches in a brown paper bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the spot where the group were eating.

She walked up to the group and said with a big smile, "Do you know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up in the steelwork and yelled, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Yeah. Why?"

The worker yelled back, "His wife is here with his lunch."
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Post #24
towhid058|| 
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24/10/2017 04:41:49
(168 weeks ago)
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My Strength & Weakness


A job seeker was interviewing, and the interviewer asked him, "Tell me what is your greatest strength?"

The prospective employee said, "Sir, I am a little bit shy, but should I give you my honest answer?"

The interviewer says, "Of course, yes. I expect nothing but honesty from my staff."

The job seeker says, "Sir, my greatest strength is my wife."

The interviewer was quite impressed with the spousal respect of this man, thought he could be a great member of his team, corporate community and he deserved the job.

So with an intention of offering him the job soon the interviewer tried to wrap up with the last question, "Tell me now, what is your greatest weakness?"

The guy felt encouraged, and went on, "Sir, my greatest weakness is someone else's wife."
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Post #25
towhid058|| 
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24/10/2017 04:42:22
(168 weeks ago)
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The Real Blonde

A blonde went into a pet shop and asked the owner if he had any parrots.

The owner replied, "Sorry, I don't have any at the moment."

"Dammmnnn and blast!" said the blonde, "I have been invited to a fancy dress party for the first time in my life and I want to go as a Pirate, and I have been told to be as authentic as possible, hence the need for the parrot explained the Blonde.

"Well" said the owner, "if you come back here next week, specifically on Thursday, I am expecting a shipment from South America and I'll be able to supply you with a parrot, guaranteed."

"Dammmmnnnn and blast!" said the blonde, "I can't come on that day or for some time after."

"Why not?" Asked the owner.

"Because that is the day I'm having my leg amputated!"
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Post #26
towhid058|| 
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24/10/2017 04:42:52
(168 weeks ago)
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The Girl With A Big Nose

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident. The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up. While at the bar, he's still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.

"No, she'll never go for a man with a wooden eye," the man says.

"Okay, how about that girl over there?" His friend responds. "She has a really big nose".

The man walks over to the girl and asks, "Would you like to dance?"

Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses "Would, I?! Would I?!"

To which the man quickly responds "Big nose! Big nose!"
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Post #27
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24/10/2017 04:43:32
(168 weeks ago)
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Hit The Brakes

A young girl walks into a prestige car sales room. Looks around at all the Porsches, Lamborghini's, Jags etc., and says to the salesman, "Can I have the red one?" - a top of the range Porsche.

"I'll pay cash!" and starts taking handfuls of bills out of a carrier bag until she gets to the right price.

The deal is finalized very quickly and the girl drives it away.

She is back two days later and says, "I want my money back... it smells awfully bad when I use the brakes," she states emphatically.

Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books) the manager decides to ride in the car with her in case she is not driving it properly'.

He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into second gear at 55 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80 mph does a hand brake turn into a country lane and then really starts to accelerate.

120 mph into 4th gear; 5th at 145 mph. The engine is screaming, trying to leap out of the hood when it reaches 170 mph. The scenery is a green blur and the G-force has him pinned in the seat. In the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a train crossing are beginning to come down and she will have to slow down. Instead the pitch of the engine increases!

100 yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car comes to a screeching halt only inches from the barrier.

"Can you smell it?" she says.

"SMELL IT? I'M SITTING IN IT!"
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Post #28
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24/10/2017 04:44:04
(168 weeks ago)
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What Kids Say About Beer


Handful of 7 year Old Children were asked: What they thought of beer?
Some interesting responses:

"I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my Mom gets."
--Tim, 7 years old

"Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice."
--Mellanie, 7 years old

"My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties and gallops around, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny."
--Grady, 7 years old

''My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing."
--Toby, 7 years old

"My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much."
--Sarah, 7 years old

"My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool"
--Lilly, 7 years old

"I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting."
--Ethan, 7 years old

"I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep."
--Shirley, 7 years old

"My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense."
--Jack, 7 years old
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Post #29
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24/10/2017 04:44:36
(168 weeks ago)
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Cuss Words

A preacher was making a wooden trellis to support a climbing vine. As he was pounding away, he noticed that a little boy was watching him.

The youngster did not say a word, so the preacher kept working. He was sure the lad would soon leave but he didn't.

Pleased at the thought that his work was being admired, the preacher finally said, "Well, son, trying to pick up some pointers on carpentry work?"

"Nope. I'm just waiting to hear what a preacher says when he hits his thumb with a hammer."
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Post #30
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24/10/2017 04:45:06
(168 weeks ago)
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Hot Bath!

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he'd become comfortable, the front doorbell rang.

large towel, wrapped his head in a smaller towel, and went to the door. A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any magazines. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again.

On went the slippers and towels, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell, and hit his back against the hard porcelain of the tub.

Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.

After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"
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